Monday, February 3, 2014

Look at this Photograph...

Do you remember a time before digital cameras when whatever pictures you took was the ones you were stuck with? Back then there was no do-overs. You couldn't screen your pictures before posting them online (what was online?) or printing them out. In those days, you would fill a roll of film with pictures and when you were done, you take it to the drugstore or grocery store to be developed. A week or so later (or the next day when they started 24 hour developing) you would pick them up. The pictures you imagined were totally awesome would be... Not awesome.

The other day when I was looking for blog ideas, I found pictures of a day back in the 90's that I spent with my friend Susie at the mall. It just reminded me how very un-photogenic I truly am. She looked like a model in the pictures and I looked like.. err... Well, I'll show you.

Here she is eating a French fry:

She looks beautiful. Perfect lipstick, great smile! There's even a Cinnabon behind her with the sign: "Served Oven Hot." She really was oven hot!

There there's me:

Do not adjust your monitors. I am that pale! Like Susie, I'm eating, but instead of looking sexy, I look like a hamster hoarding food in her cheeks. My bangs are awful because it was the 90's and they weren't happy about it. There's an Arby's behind me and as tasty as their food is, it just reminds people of hot beef. Not exactly a Cinnabon!

Here's another picture of Susie:

Even though these pictures are posed, she looks natural. Like, oopsie, I dropped something! Let me flip my hair and pick it up! Ooo, look at my long golden locks flowing behind my back!

Me again:

I'm sitting by a mall fountain thinking pensively to myself. A very natural pose. Everyone has deep thoughts in a crowded mall eatery, right? What's up with the woman wearing a red coat with a blue shirt underneath? Thanks for adding to the absurdity of the picture! Then there's the little girl photobombing me. I appreciate her attempt to add some cuteness to this picture, but nothing is going to help it at this point. Especially when there's someone wearing a Cosby sweater in the background. My bangs are getting angrier. They are trying as hard as they can to band together and blind me in one eye.

One more picture:

Susie still looks good, her hair over one shoulder, lipstick still perfect. She has the frilly shirt with big sweater that just somehow works. Then you look at me... My eyes are closed, my pants are way too tight, my bangs have somehow spread out in an attempt to blind me in both eyes and what's with my jacket? (I can't even talk about the paisley shirt) I'm not sure why we posed in front of the Aladdin display, but that magic lamp is ejaculating all over me!

And what is a Love Field?? Whatever is it, you have to be over 13 to go there!

This is why I hide whenever someone pulls out a camera. I know what's going to happen. Everyone else is going to look like a contestant for America's Next Top Model and I will look like something they created on Face Off!

But this is me. It's how I am. it's not like I don't have other talents. Like storing food in my cheeks for winter! Does anyone want some fruit cake from Christmas?

Until next time... Enjoy the Nickelback earworm from my title! You are welcome...

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