Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Fortress of Cattitude

Since my life has gotten pretty boring and routine, I thought I would let someone else blog about their day instead.

So without further ado, a day in the life of my cat, Scout...

Hi, I'm Scout and this is my day...

Just like all mighty hunter's, my day starts early.  I must keep on alert against predators like moles. Moles are evil and must be destroyed. I don't trust anything that lives in the ground and minds its own business. And birds.They flitter and fly and look at me funny. I know they're talking about me.

I walk over to the Fortress of Cattitude and see my stupid sisters hanging out waiting for She Who Holds the Food aka Human.

"Hey, Scout. Whatcha doin'?" Silly Sister #1 asks.

"Contemplating world domination. What about you?"

"I just saw something shiny. Oh! There it is! There it is again. Oooo." I watch as the brain dead wonder swats at the air over and over again.

"We should've ate you in the womb," I say, but she ignores me. She's busy rubbing her face on the corner of the fortress and bumping her head a few times. Not that it will hurt anything.

Silly Sister #2 slowly walks over. She's lazy and does nothing to live up to the good name of "Cat." "Scout... Do you have some food? I'm sooo hungry."

"No," I say, speaking slowly so she can understand me. "Human hasn't been out yet."

"Oh." A minute passes. "Yeah." She yawns and walks away.

Just then our brother Max struts over. There's no other way to describe it. He preens and struts and throws himself on anybody who will rub his head. He is a feline ho. "Hey all. How do I look today?"

"You look just like your sister. But pretentious," I say.

He ignores me and turns to Silly Sister #1, "What do you think, sis?"

"If I wasn't fixed, I'd do you." she says.

Gross. If only she was kidding. She was just like our mother. A bit slutty. Or she would be if we weren't fixed. "I wish you all would leave me alone," I say. "How am I going to be high ruler of this land if you all are here cramping my style?"

Suddenly there is a rustling coming from the path near the Fortress of Catitude. "Ssh," I say, but it doesn't matter. My wimpy siblings are already cowering up on the Fortress.

The rustling gets closer. Someone is definitely coming down the path. But it's just Sam, our daddy. Well, we think it's our daddy. As I said, my mother's slutty. Thank God Human had her fixed too or it would be a Cat-a-Boo-Boo situation in our Fortress. Tons of white trash kitties.

Sam eyeballs us all. "You're still here?" Apparently he found this place first and our mother wouldn't stop stalking him. Go figure! This is my life. This why I won't never be a cat empress.

Behind Sam, comes our mother. She hates us. After we were born and weaned she tried to lose us in the woods, but we were smart and came back. This annoyed her, so she swats at us every chance she gets.

Here is a rare picture of us I keep on my Cat phone. It's Mama, me and Sam-Daddy eating dinner one night:

Before Mama can yell at anyone, Human comes out with the food and the DOG. We have to be nice to the DOG so that Human will keep feeding us. The DOG knows we don't like him, but we have a truce. On this side of the fence we are friends. But if we go on the other side, the DOG is allowed to chase us. It's the law. Not that we are afraid of DOG. DOG is a bit goofy. I mean, look at him!

He thinks he can use the TV! That's as crazy as a cat having a phone! Well, other cats that aren't awesome like me, of course.

I rub against Human, but not because I'm friendly, but because I want her to know when I take over the world and I'm her leader, I won't forget how she'd fed me. She'd still be another Human Slave, but I would be more lenient to her than the others.

After I eat my breakfast, I'm tired so I take a nap. Even the most powerful kitty in the world gets tired! I'm pretty sure it's from carrying this large brain around in this tiny body.

That's my morning. I have to go now. I'm pretty sure there's a predator outside waiting for me to take it down. It flies in a mocking away and thinks it's better than me. Human calls it a butterfly, I call it a flying Satan. 

Until tomorrow, you never know when I'll suddenly take over the world and be on your windshield...

Mwahahaha...purr.... Dang it. Stupid purring.

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