A Confession

I will never be good in the kitchen. I just can't relax. If I cook something, I get obsessed with it. I just can't cook the food. I stalk it. I crank call it. I hide in the bushes with binoculars watching it. When I cook with oil, I'm so scared of a grease fire, I cook at the lowest temperature possible and it takes forever. I watch the pot, and yes, it really doesn't boil when you do that.

I follow recipes to the tee. I never improvise. I don't know what spice would be good with what. When I cut veggies, I have no finesse. I don't even know what part of the cabbage you're supposed to use. I couldn't even spell cabbage the first time I wrote that sentence.

I don't like to cook. The only things I enjoy making are eggs and dips--not together. Any kind of dip. Dips are good. Eggs--soft boiled, hard boiled-sunny side up, scrambled, fried, deviled. I am like Bubba with shrimp when it comes to eggs.

But that's it. That's all I like to make. It's all I enjoy. The dinners and all that... Blah. Sometimes I'm even disappointed when the roasts I make in the crock pot. And you don't do any work with that. Just throw it all in and let it cook all day.

I try though. I feel like they will take my woman badge away from me if I don't try. And I like to eat, so that's always an incentive to cook. Plus, if my husband cooks, he likes to grill, and that grill he has is a death trap. It always catches fire. And like the grease, I'm so paranoid of that. He just considers it a challenge. Like he's the Indiana Jones of cooking.

I don't want to stalk my food. I would just like to throw something on for dinner and have it come out tasting good. I get lucky sometimes...in the kitchen too. Meals will come out exactly like they should. It feels like I won some kind of battle. It doesn't make me satisfied. It makes me tired. All that stalking will do that to you.

Maybe I should take a tip from Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Relax. Just do it. But if my cooking is anything like their career, it will never happen.

In the meantime, would anyone like some spinach dip with a side of scrambled eggs?