Saturday, September 25, 2010


I wish I knew when I became such a nervous person. I was never like this before. I was the kind of person who would just assume everything would turn out all right. I never worried when someone left the house. I just figured they would come home like they were supposed to.

Logically I know it probably started when I lost my dad. Then we started losing people left and right. My husband's cousin, uncles, my grandfather. It's gotten to the point I'm almost numb to it. But I'm not. I think I am, but my nervousness proves I'm truly not.

Like I mentioned in my cooking post I'm afraid of fire. I don't even like when my family wants to do a bonfire in our yard, which is ironic since that's where I met my husband. At a bonfire. I didn't even lose anyone in a fire. We had a house fire once when I lived at my in-laws but fire didn't even bother me as much then as it does now.

I have to watch my son get on the bus. He's 16 and I just can't stop. I have to see him get on that bus. Otherwise I'll worry all day long.

I worry about my mom. Sometimes I'll go over and check on her to make sure she's ok if I haven't seen her in awhile.

If my son goes into the bathroom for a long time I worry. That was where we found my father so that one is pretty understandable.

I worry about my brother-in-law in the hospital. But that is a very real worry since he really is sick.

I worry about my dog. If I don't see the cat for a couple days, I worry.

I always assume the worst too. I was never like that.

This person I am now is not someone I recognize. I need to get over it. Fast. My son will be driving soon. He will be going out. He will sometimes not call me like all teenagers too. If I don't let go, I will go insane. I can't control or watch over everything all the time.

If you see me, you see this laid back person who looks like they rarely worry about anything. And I can be like that. I was even call too nonchalant once at work. When we had layoffs I wasn't even that worried about myself. Oh, I was worried, don't get me wrong, but those worries seemed so small compared to the ones in my head.

And most hours of the day, I'm fine. When I feel everything is under control. But if someone calls me and says they don't know where someone is or something is wrong and it's all scattered to the wind. I'm assuming the worst and wanting to huddle somewhere in a corner.

I'm hoping time will take care of most of this. I'm sure it will. Right? But what if it doesn't? What if this nail biting means I never have long nails again? And what about the hair twirling? Will I end up with a bald spot?

See what I mean?

I'm going to stop worrying now. As soon as my son gets back into the house...

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