Worrywart

I wish I knew when I became such a nervous person. I was never like this before. I was the kind of person who would just assume everything would turn out all right. I never worried when someone left the house. I just figured they would come home like they were supposed to.

Logically I know it probably started when I lost my dad. Then we started losing people left and right. My husband's cousin, uncles, my grandfather. It's gotten to the point I'm almost numb to it. But I'm not. I think I am, but my nervousness proves I'm truly not.

Like I mentioned in my cooking post I'm afraid of fire. I don't even like when my family wants to do a bonfire in our yard, which is ironic since that's where I met my husband. At a bonfire. I didn't even lose anyone in a fire. We had a house fire once when I lived at my in-laws but fire didn't even bother me as much then as it does now.

I have to watch my son get on the bus. He's 16 and I just can't stop. I have to see him get on that bus. Otherwise I'll worry all day long.

I worry about my mom. Sometimes I'll go over and check on her to make sure she's ok if I haven't seen her in awhile.

If my son goes into the bathroom for a long time I worry. That was where we found my father so that one is pretty understandable.

I worry about my brother-in-law in the hospital. But that is a very real worry since he really is sick.

I worry about my dog. If I don't see the cat for a couple days, I worry.

I always assume the worst too. I was never like that.

This person I am now is not someone I recognize. I need to get over it. Fast. My son will be driving soon. He will be going out. He will sometimes not call me like all teenagers too. If I don't let go, I will go insane. I can't control or watch over everything all the time.

If you see me, you see this laid back person who looks like they rarely worry about anything. And I can be like that. I was even call too nonchalant once at work. When we had layoffs I wasn't even that worried about myself. Oh, I was worried, don't get me wrong, but those worries seemed so small compared to the ones in my head.

And most hours of the day, I'm fine. When I feel everything is under control. But if someone calls me and says they don't know where someone is or something is wrong and it's all scattered to the wind. I'm assuming the worst and wanting to huddle somewhere in a corner.

I'm hoping time will take care of most of this. I'm sure it will. Right? But what if it doesn't? What if this nail biting means I never have long nails again? And what about the hair twirling? Will I end up with a bald spot?

See what I mean?

I'm going to stop worrying now. As soon as my son gets back into the house...

A Confession

I will never be good in the kitchen. I just can't relax. If I cook something, I get obsessed with it. I just can't cook the food. I stalk it. I crank call it. I hide in the bushes with binoculars watching it. When I cook with oil, I'm so scared of a grease fire, I cook at the lowest temperature possible and it takes forever. I watch the pot, and yes, it really doesn't boil when you do that.

I follow recipes to the tee. I never improvise. I don't know what spice would be good with what. When I cut veggies, I have no finesse. I don't even know what part of the cabbage you're supposed to use. I couldn't even spell cabbage the first time I wrote that sentence.

I don't like to cook. The only things I enjoy making are eggs and dips--not together. Any kind of dip. Dips are good. Eggs--soft boiled, hard boiled-sunny side up, scrambled, fried, deviled. I am like Bubba with shrimp when it comes to eggs.

But that's it. That's all I like to make. It's all I enjoy. The dinners and all that... Blah. Sometimes I'm even disappointed when the roasts I make in the crock pot. And you don't do any work with that. Just throw it all in and let it cook all day.

I try though. I feel like they will take my woman badge away from me if I don't try. And I like to eat, so that's always an incentive to cook. Plus, if my husband cooks, he likes to grill, and that grill he has is a death trap. It always catches fire. And like the grease, I'm so paranoid of that. He just considers it a challenge. Like he's the Indiana Jones of cooking.

I don't want to stalk my food. I would just like to throw something on for dinner and have it come out tasting good. I get lucky sometimes...in the kitchen too. Meals will come out exactly like they should. It feels like I won some kind of battle. It doesn't make me satisfied. It makes me tired. All that stalking will do that to you.

Maybe I should take a tip from Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Relax. Just do it. But if my cooking is anything like their career, it will never happen.

In the meantime, would anyone like some spinach dip with a side of scrambled eggs?

Moments

Life is full of moments. The older I get the more I realize this and wish I would've appreciated some of them more. Moments with my father who I miss so much and moments with my son. His childhood is almost over and I wish I could go back and gather all the moments and slowed them down. That little boy with the active imagination who'd run up to me and hug me. I miss that boy. I love the teenager, but I miss the boy.

This evening I was in the grocery store looking for spaghetti sauce when a woman and her little boy came down the aisle. I didn't look at them, but I could hear them talking.

The little boy said, "I found a penny! This is my lucky day!"

The mom said, "Please keep your voice down."

That upset me. He really wasn't that loud and he just sounded so excited. But I couldn't judge her, because I could remember that voice. That was the voice I'd use when I'd start tuning off the chattering and the whining. When I stopped truly listening.

I wanted to go over and say, "Let me see your penny," and enjoy the moment with him. Childhood seems long, but is really so short. I wished I'd thought about that when my son was young. But I didn't. Not always.

I'm not sure what the point of this blog is. For once I don't really have one.

Just make sure you always appreciate your lucky penny. They don't stay around forever.