Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I went back to work yesterday. I found myself a bit lost. I couldn't even remember how to do the simple things I'd just done a week ago. Plus, I'd find myself spacing out a couple times...more so than usual.
The problem I had was the guilt. I'd find myself joking around with my coworkers and then suddenly think, "Should I be laughing already? Does this mean I've forgotten my dad already?" Some people would ask me why I was back so soon. So soon? How long is the proper mourning period? Because honestly, I don't know.
To me, staying at home and being upset is not productive. It's not going to bring my dad back. And obviously, I've now learned that life is very short, and every moment not laughing or living is one less day I'll have.
I was joking with my manager yesterday and he said, "I'm glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor."
That made me pause. Lose it? Why would I lose the most important thing-other than my hair color and eye color, my dad gave me? I mean, yes, he taught me many other things as well, but to me, my sense of humor is what helps someone as shy as me to reach out to other people.
I will never lose that.
What is the point of this blog? I don't know. I just know that I need to keep myself occupied so I don't think about the fact I'm never going to see my father again. I'm never going to joke with him. I'm never going to go on any quests with him. So yes, I need to get back to living again. I can "be funny" and still mourn my father. Never let them know you're in pain has pretty much always been my motto.
So I'm going to go back to posting my interviews and my other features. I'm sure I'll still talk about my father a lot. I know that the more time passes, the more I'm going to miss him.
But I know for a fact that he would NOT want me to sit around and mourn his passing. He never wanted us to worry about him. He wanted me to be a writer so that's what I'm going to be.
I'm going to find my new normal in a world that has been turned upside down. I'm going to make my father proud.
Daddy, wherever you are...this blog is for you....