Still Here (From my Myspace blog)

Nights are still hard...as you can tell since it's almost one in the morning. I can't even be by myself at night. I dragged my laptop upstairs so I could be next to my husband in bed.

Tonight I went on American Greeting's website and picked a Father's Day card for dad. It was really sweet. I then typed up a long message and had it scheduled to be sent to my email address a year from now. I'm not sure exactly why, but a friend of mine said it would help to write him a letter.

When I close my eyes and try to sleep, images of my father start flashing in front of my eyes. Not just images of all our milestones either, although those have been showing up lately as well, but images of all the little mundane things he used to do around the house. I just can't believe he won't be there anymore.

I truly don't know what to do with myself.

Just to show how wonderful he was, I need to mention the lotion. Last weekend when we were at the hospital visiting him, I looked into his little "bucket" of hospital stuff they gave him-toothbrush, etc and saw he had Keri lotion. I said, "Oooo, Keri lotion! I want some of that." I was kind of kidding around, trying to find some positive in this dreary dung colored bucket they give patients.

Well, when we were looking for my father's badges before the memorial service, my mom mentioned they were in the bag with the lotion. She said something like, "Your dad took the lotion for you. He acted like he was stealing it or something."

Honestly I cry every time I think about it. My father, who hates taking anything like that (even though they obviously don't reuse it for anyone else) took that lotion for me because I said I wanted it. Two bottles.

I wanted to type that up so when my bad memory starts kicking in, it will be written down somewhere.

Please wish your father Happy Father's Day for me...