Thursday, July 21, 2011

Life As a Nonsmoker

Life as a nonsmoker is interesting. Despite telling myself I wouldn't, I'm pretty sure I've gained some weight. I refuse to weigh myself because that will just be counterproductive. I quit smoking. I'm going to gain weight. It's just a fact. I'll do my best to not eat bad things, but it's not always going to happen. As soon as I get my life back, I'll try to fix all these issues.

It's just that the whole weight gain thing takes such a backseat to all the personality and mood swings going on. I just don't feel like myself. I can't relax. I'm always tense. The only thing that I want to do to fix it is eat, but I can't. Or I will eat and then I'll feel like a glutton and guilt trip myself. My weekends are never as relaxing as they used to be.

I'm working on finding alternatives. I'm looking to find ways to relax and work out. Hopefully at one time. Like walking. Or jogging. I'd really love to swim, but my crazy anxiety springs up at the thought of going to one of those indoor swim places and wearing a bathing suit in front of all those people. So swimming will have to hold off for now.

Then there's work. I still do the same things at work I used to do, but they aren't broken apart by smoke breaks anymore. When I took a smoke break that was my time to mull over a problem and come up with a solution. That was my time to think. Of course I could go outside anyway, but do you know how dorky I would look just standing there for no reason? After lunch, I will walk the length of the building (we are part of a warehouse so our building is huge!) and that helps. But it's just one time. Oh and then there's lunch. I just wait and wait for lunchtime. Then I want snacks. I limit myself to yogurt and stuff like that, but I obsess over it. It's not good.

Oh and I've started to limit my soda intake, but not as much as I'd like. During the day at work it's easy to drink water while I'm sitting at my desk, but at home, I always reach for the soda first. I don't have the willpower to tell my husband to stop buying it like I should. I really need to work on it more. But at least I am drinking water, so that's good. Soda I limit to meal time.

Then there's just me. I can't tell you how many times I think to myself that just one cigarette would make everything ok again. There would be no more mood swings. No more crying for no apparent reason. No more craving food on a constant basis. All would be alright again. But I know it's a lie. And I'd have to start all over again. And I would hate myself. And I would hate disappointing everybody who is so proud of me.

So I continue on. Even when it feels like hell. Even when I feel my pants getting tighter. Even when things taste funny for no apparent reason. I will get past this part and be a (different) normal person again.

I've been a non-smoker 72 days now. It's something...

No comments: