Thursday, August 21, 2008

Class of 2012

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Tuesday night I took my son to his Freshmen Orientation. On the way to school, we had this conversation:

J: "So now that we live closer to my school, does that mean you can drive me everyday?"

Me: "I don't think so... There's no time."

J: "School starts at 7:30."

Me: "And....?"

J: "You leave at 9:00."

Me: "Your point is....?"

Doesn't he know morning is my blogging time? Silly boy.

We get close to the school and immediately there's a problem. Unbeknownst to me his freshmen class has 200+ kids in it. And I think all of their parents and relatives were there that night. I was at this stop sign for like 10 minutes trying to go straight across to his school.

We finally cross over. Thank God! Wait... Not that kind of crossing over... I mean crossed the street...never mind.

By the time we find a parking space, it's 6:00 (the time it starts). And we left early! (For a change). As soon as we walk up to the high school, I remember something I'd forgotten. High schools are BIG. What door are we supposed to go into??? We start following this one kid and his mother who is asking everyone where the orientation is. And when I say, ask, I mean YELLS.


Yikes! Everyone kind of ignores her for awhile until she accosts some teenage girls coming out of the nearest door. They are nice enough (or scared enough) to direct her to the correct door.

As soon as we get in, me and J lose crazy lady and her kid and go our own way. We pass the auditorium and I'm like, "Hey, J. I think we're supposed to go in there." He mumbles something and keeps walking. Umm...k. We walk to the end of this loooooong hallway, and there's a lady giving out maps. Sadly, though, they don't have a arrow pointing down saying, "You are HERE." I also thought about doing the Joey thing where we go into the map, but was afraid I might embarrass J. And as fun as that is for me, I thought it wouldn't be kosher in high school...before he even starts. I'll wait until at least 10th grade before I drive up there in my sock monkey pants and heels.

So we turn around and I steer him into the auditorium. It's freaking huge! It's like a professional stage! Or maybe I just don't get out much. We walk down the left side and keep walking and walking. We finally pick some seats at the front. On the stage a older man in a red suit is talking. Yes, a red suit. Apparently the school colors are red. Awesome!

The older man is the principal. He starts introducing members of the staff. Then he introduces the police officer who is stationed at the school during the day. The whole audience goes deathly silent like he's going to arrest us if we speak. There were a lot of guilty people in that audience. I'm just saying...

He starts by telling us his wife wasn't speaking to him. He forgot her birthday! There's a huge, "Oooooooo..." from the audience.

He continues: "She told me to make up for it, she wanted something that goes from 0 to 200 in less that 6 seconds in the driveway...."

In my mind, I'm thinking, "Oh no he isn't! Is he really passing off a old recycled joke-one that has been forwarded to me at least a hundred times-as a true story?"

Oh yes, he is. Everyone starts laughing at the punchline. (A bathroom scale...har!). I wanted to stand up and yell, "Citizen arrest! You sir, stole that joke! And it's not even that funny!"

But I don't. I just roll my eyes...a lot. That showed him!

The presentation goes on and on.... And on. The principal is back and he introduces the THREE vice principals. What happened to a principal, a vice principal and that's it? Now they have one vice principal assigned to certain students in alphabetical order. Craziness!

Just when you think it's winding up and the students will finally get to pick up their schedules, from the back of the auditorium, we hear, "Hold on!"

Everyone looks back and there's this guy running down the left side, wearing a red shirt (of course). He runs on stage and takes over the podium. He's the "activities director." (And apparently has a flair for drama). He starts running down the rather long list of activities they offer and winds it up with a strong finish, yelling, "Now lets show our some school spirit for... *school name*!" Which leads to.... Cheerleaders!!! They come running up to the stage and start cheering! Oh, this is just so awesome! I haven't seen cheerleaders in so long! (Unless repeated viewings of Bring It On count).

They finish the cheer (which was a little more provocative than the cheers in my day...Oh hell, did I just say that? *sob*). Finally, they tell the students to file out, so they can get their schedules. That leaves us with the red-suited principal.

He starts out saying, "I bet all of you feel like your kids just started kindergarten." Yes, he got me. Because it really does! Not only that, it feels like "I" was just graduating high school. It's just sooo wrong.

He starts talking about policies, etc, and this is what I got out of that:


-Must respect the teachers. I don't think J will have problems with that.

-Can't say the "F" word. Hmm....well, I don't think J says that. They aren't talking to the parents, are they? ;)

-Can't show a lot of cleavage or they will be forced to wear an ugly smock. cleavage issues that I know of. Are they talking to the parent-uh, never mind.

-Who do show disrespect, or have any wardrobe malfunctions, will get detention, which is on Saturday morning. Dude... Yes, my mind went straight to The Breakfast Club. Immediately I wanted J to get detention so he could meet Judd Nelson! "Hey, smoke up Johnny!"

-Must go to school...uh, blah, blah. (Yes, that's all I remember right now. So what?)

He finally finishes up and tells us to go find our kids! Whoo-hoo! Er, I mean, good speech! I learned a lot.

They encouraged us to walk around the school, but that place was a madhouse! There was no way I was going to leave when everyone else did and have to fight my way out of the parking lot. Call me a bad parent if you want, but I wasn't getting stuck there all night. We needed to get our drink on! (Ha, just kidding. Stop dialing child services).

My boy is going to high school. How did this happen? No, seriously, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??? I'M OLD!

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