I'm Okay

It's so hard to escape the memories sometimes. I think I'm doing good, and then something reminds me of my dad and what happened and it's back again.

I was watching Swingtown tonight. The last time I watched Swingtown I was online with my friend Suz and we had a great time watching it and making fun of the awful 70's stereotypes and the "swinging". But right after that my mom called and said my dad was in the hospital.

Now I'm here worrying about my mom, missing my dad, and wondering what exactly happened. I still want to know how my dad can be released from a cardiac center and then die of a heart attack that very same night. We will probably never know. And I will never know why he was taken from me and my family so soon.

Nights are still hard. I can be by myself now, but it's the time when everything comes crashing back. During work I'm okay and when I have my moments, I usually hide in my cube for a little while.

I'm planning on sitting down soon and writing out everything that happened that Sunday. I'm not sure why. Maybe to exorcise it from my brain? I don't know if it's because I want to remember it, because so much of it was horrifying. But maybe just the last minutes with my dad before he collapsed. Before he was lost.

I feel like a part of me is gone forever. I feel empty. It doesn't help that my son is going into high school this fall. It just reminds me there will be a day when my son doesn't need me as much. So when people ask me how I'm doing and I say okay, those are the words I'm not saying. Because yeah, I'm okay. I'm still laughing...I'm still joking. I'm still me. Just not all of me...not yet.

I'm sure as time goes by all the good memories will float up and get rid of the bad, but I don't know how much time.

I actually said no to someone the other day. They asked me to help them with some flyers. I just couldn't do it. Right now it's hard enough for me to get myself ready in the morning and to work. Maybe I'm doing too good a job at looking "okay".

Oops, time to go to bed. I don't know what was the point of this rambling blog, but it helped a bit to let it out.