Touch your what???

Let me start off by saying, I love Conway Twitty. I love him as much as someone can love someone who has been dead for quite awhile. His voice is like velvet sex. Mmm... He’s my man. Bad perm and all. Who else would sing I’d Love to Lay You Down with her friend at Karoake night?

So right away you know it kills me to have to say anything bad about one of his songs. Don’t get me wrong. I still love this song. Really, Conway could sing me one of my boring email messages at work and I’d love it. You should hear me on the car on the way to work. If one of his songs comes on, oh, I’m so into it. It’s scary.

But the lyrics to this song... Oh my. Seriously. Granted, this song is really old, but still... It’s just wrong. In so many ways.

Of course you know I’m going to break it down for you.

Warning there are some "mature themes" in this post. LOL

Touch the Hand by Conway Twitty.

Today I heard my woman say something I never heard her say before
She just told me that she was going to leave me and that she didn’t love me anymore

Ouch. Harsh. Maybe because you described her "as your woman". Ya think?

But I know that the loving kindness and the understanding is still there somewhere

Isn’t that a man for you? Just won’t get a hint.

So I’m gonna get down on my knees and I’m gonna say to my baby

While you’re down there, why don’t you mop the floor or something?

Touch the hand of the man that made you a woman

Dude. Seriously? Your HAND did all that? Do you have a magic hand?

Then tell me you don’t love me anymore


Umm...k. I still don’t love you.

I was the first man to ever
Hold you in a special kind of way

Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that particular experience. Ouch!

And those unfamiliar feelings that caused you to tremble
I know you remember today

Seriously. Women don’t need a "hand" to tremble. Not yours anyway. You’re going to have to do better than that.

Before you decide that your gonna leave me
And do things you’ve never done before

What? Like get out of the kitchen for a change? Vote? WTF?

Touch the hand of the man that made you a woman
Then tell me you don’t love me anymore

Still not feeling it. You’re going to have to offer more than a handshake. Why don’t you try conversation???

The two lips that once held sweet surprises
Surprised me and said goodbye today

Sweet surprises? I think I know what that means, but I seriously hope I’m wrong.

And those two lovin’ arms that use to reach for me
Just reached out and pushed me away

Yeah, he’s still not getting the hint. I DON’T LOVE YOU.


I know you believe you don’t love me

Believe I don’t love you??? I think I know what I’m feeling, mother-fuc--
Before you walk out that door

*sigh*

Touch the hand of the man that made you a woman

Yeah, yeah, touch your hand whatever. I’ve heard of foot fetishes, but really this whole hand thing is creeping me out.

Then tell me you don’t love me anymore

Maybe the restraining order might tell you that instead, because dude, you’re just not getting it.


If your best argument to keep someone is reminding them of the way you popped their cherry? Something is definitely wrong with this relationship. There’s no promises to put the toilet seat down, or more date nights or cleaning the kitchen once in awhile. No, just a miracle hand that somehow made her a woman.

Man, that Conway. He’s the only one who can sing a song like that and still have me singing every word. I’m so easy. Because honestly? I probably would be touching his hand. And loving every moment of it.